do I look like a man with a plan?

When life gives you a lemon, make it a lemonade

But in fact, no, life gives you shit and a bunch of nuts you can’t even eat. Everyone would react differently, some would waste their life cursing at god, some would waste their life finding out what good would this shit gives you, and some would waste their life eating them anyway, no matter what you choose, whatever you would do, you waste your life anyway. Life, what does it means really, as days go by you walk on living, wasting every cells, every atom, every seconds that were given to you, we waste ourselves everyday, and for what? What are we wasting us for? We waste our time chasing career, the friends and families we left out would think, what a waste, we waste our time on our children, many more would say, what a waste, we waste our time on religion, what a waste, we waste our time wasting away travelling, what a waste. But then again, life is meant to be wasted, we don’t grow older, we grow riper, until sometimes in life, we’re just gone, back to where we belong, we were given a limited time, what would we waste it for?

There is this girl, this pretty little girl (does pretty is the right word?), she’s been there for as long as I could remember, how could I forget her anyway, she was the first girl I ever talked to, I wasted my first 12 years without connecting to any woman but my mother, but I shit you not, I talked to her like actually talking without a bit of awkwardness, she saved my whole adolesence. I wasted my first phase of adolesence chasing a fantasy I could never reach, well I admit I was just a tiny little shit back then, a silly little brat who fell in love for the first time. How could a brat who can’t even talk to girls without a pinch of awkwardness be dreaming about a girl? Details, I always hated details, my biggest sarcasm was always inspired by Heath Ledger’s Joker, “do I look like a man with a plan?”, yes I do, I am a fucking planner, I planned every single phase of my life, junior, high school, college, career, marriage, kids, senior time, I even planned my death, too bad death in the warmness of the one whose always been there while everyone is anxiously waiting outside and crumbled down completely when they hear the news and decided to make a whole street be honored by my name is quite unreallistic (for now). But that is not details, I never planned of how many times I would get broken hearted, I never planned of how many times I can get up and fight, I never planned of how many times do I find the right one, and I never planned I would find the one that fast, maybe things would be all different should I meet her now, but who am I to beat the masterplan of the almighty?

I wasted my school time just staring at her grace, her pointy nose, her perfectly structured cheeks, her tiny beauty spot on her left cheek, her bright eyes, so bright that I would stab anyone just to keep it for me, and the funny thing about adolesence is she never know all of this, how I admire her beauty, her boyish style, her loud laugh, how I would do anything to keep her happy, and I did, I lent her all my comic books (the only connection I had with her), I tell her all my answers in exam, I make sure that she already left for home before I go home, but still the best thing I could do was to stare at her from afar. Thank god I had her, I can always count at her, I always thought of how my life would be without her being there, and each of them went bad, god sent her to me to make it right for me, she was my best friend, my first ever girl friend, how I remember of those silly texts I sent to her everyday, “she was this, she was that, I did this and that…”, and how I remember she texted me back with the best tips I could ever get from anyone, funny thing is, I never did what she told me, I don’t even remember what was the substance of our texts, all I remember was her, always being there for me, maybe all I really needed was to text her, not to get my dream girl.

There was a time when our casual chat in class made one of my friend jealous, yea, he admired her, he hated me for a while, but hell, I don’t even know what I did, he explained “ga mungkin cuma temen, ngobrol aja jarak mukanya cuma segini (with both hands almost touched)”, that conversation just made a whole definition of adolesence, wasn’t it? But really that was never the case, my mind was always been captivated by an angel, while her’s, I didn’t really know, how selfish I was, not caring for anything but my own desire. But anyway, we kind of lose contact at 9^th grade, not only by the fact that we’re in different class, but also because she had a boyfriend, and I was focusing in my band and my stupid bass that is better than my skill. I still tried to chase my angel right until the end, no success, surprise.. such is life, waste it wrong, you got nothing back.

They said first love struck you fast and would last for a lifetime, I see nothing wrong with that, but how could that be right either? How can a crush that happens for the first time in your life be called love when we barely even know her? Was it because somehow you can remember every detail of her perfectly? Was it because the experience blew your mind, that the gender you always despise of is somewhat beautiful and you need them so much? I think it’s because of the purity, how we are actually capable of loving someone without tainting them, how we are capable of caring for someone without hoping anything back, god created first love to constantly reminds us what love is, and how it should be, and yes, I always kept mine dearly in the corner of my heart, not necessarily because I want her still now (well, if there’s chance I would grab it), but it’s the memento of what I’m capable of, a reminder of how to be fully human.

Time passed, opportunities wasted, and there was I, just staring at her blankly, I fully understood what she means, I know exactly what’s going on, I know exactly what she was thinking, it’s the skill I picked up along the way, she knows me well, I know her well too. It just happened, yea, there is no better explanation than, it’s just happened, it was a sudden realization, what else would I’m looking for, I’ve always like her for her personalities, but then I fell in love with her family and the way she view them and keep them, I just know she would complete me, it was completely logical, it lacks the drama, but the idea itself is beautiful, it was the first time in my life ever that my logic get along with my feeling, it’s not like a burst of hormone like I used to feel, it’s the ultimate balance I’ve been looking for, enlightened, I feel at peace whenever I’m with her. But I don’t know, future seems to scare every girl I met, while I offer future, I can never beat the ghost from the past, while I failed to get what I dreamt of, doesn’t mean I should make other’s fail too, if my shattered dreams would make her dreams come true, then so be it, she doesn’t have to understand what she means to me, she might not even realize how big her impact in my early life, but I feel like I should pay my fairshare, it is my turn to support her in every way I could, I don’t even know what to do yet though, I might snap out in some nasty way, but I should remind myself constantly that I’m the coolest when I’m in control. Even if the past should defeat the future, I shall live on in the present, I know what I want to do, and I know what I should do, “do I look like a man with a plan?”, yes, it’s my turn now to take all her shits, it took 10 years to make me realize what I’ve been looking for, a couple years more must be nothing, I know and I’m sure I will, I dedicate my life to support her dreams.

What a waste.

Bramantyo Adi Nugroho

a best friend

a lover