2 hours of sheer magic

I never believe in coincidence, nor love at first sight, but I do believe in fate, prayers and miracles. I wouldn’t exaggerate things, but honestly, I did have the best 2 hours for the last few years, and here’s how it goes.

Last Friday, LPDP was helding a capacity building in Sukabumi at a place called Situ Gunung. This year we have another idea to enjoy simple things more, instead of renting bus like we used to, we go full public by using commuter to Bogor then go right away using another train to Sukabumi, and here’s when the story starts. I wasn’t expecting anything, I only wanted to have a great time with my friends, blending my soul in the beauty of nature, recharge my city-filled-overheating brain, how should I know if I will meet a beautiful chick right beside me (or rather I make sure it is!).

As we all know, expectation is the root of all evil, so again, I wasn’t expecting anything, maybe she’s just “another girl”, but maybe she’s not, so what’s the downside? Just give it a shot man! But what the hell..!!! I’m not ready for this shit, I’m not that good of a talker, I don’t have the charm of Ryan Gosling, and I felt nervous like hell!! So I went outside to chill and smoke, yea, like it’s helping anything, I then decided to call my mom instead (this is fucking embarassing, but I’m proud having done this!), fortunately, it works! Now, we can do this shit.

So I went back to my wagon, hold my breath for a second before I launch the first strike, “hai, mau ke Sukabumi juga?”, lame, but I followed my mom’s tips to get to the point and be firm about it, so there goes nothing. She answered with a smile, and the conversation lasted for a good 2 hours. It was fun, I really like talking to her, she’s smart and proud of her arts, although I see a bit of naivety (we all have!), I think she knows how to handle herself very well. We talk about mostly anything, ideas, arts, books, music, movies, I really like talking to her, it’s like there had always been a connection beetween us (either she is THAT good, or I have become THAT good, either way, I really like talking to her). So sad it only lasted for 2 hours, but that good 2 hours is enough to brighten your week.

I hope we can meet again and talk, I really like talking to her, should I ask her out?

Bramantyo Adi Nugroho

asked God for a clue and she said STOP

hope is becoming expensive these days

monolog tata surya

Akhirnya kita hanya bisa menjadi pelajaran dan catatan kelam

Ada masa dimana mimpi terburai tak berhenti diciptakan

Berjejer di emperan jalan, tercecer tak dihargai

Seluruh dunia menjadi panggungnya,

tarian kita menghadirkan riuh riang memekikkan telinga

kemana sayap itu saat kita membutuhkannya

senyum terpancar isi hati siapa yang tau

mungkin saja kala itu kita masih bisa terus menari

mungkin saja kala itu kita tak harus lari

tapi bukankah kita hanyalah pelarian dari kenyataan?

Kita hanyalah sepasang buih mimpi di lautan kehidupan

Mengejar ilusi di sepanjang ombaknya

Hingga tiba kita mencapai batasnya

Kita memang sudah hancur, meledak di keheningan malam

Tapi setidaknya kita pernah menantang dunia di dalam kerapuhan kita

 Terlintas sepotong dialog dari perjalanan ke Semarang kemarin, “berarti lo jahat dong?”, yes dear, I am, but then again, I couldn’t help it myself, my whole body down to the atomic nuclei craved for you. But I swear to god, I did the best I could, I gave my best, all of what’s left (than that little part that had always been occupied) I had given to her. It’s not me or the universe who created that parallel time dimension, it was her, and I am thankful for those short time. 

Kepada Matahari, Maaf dan Terima Kasih.

Bramantyo Adi Nugroho

Grateful man

condemned to chase angelic delusion

teruntuk wanita yang sedang dalam pelukan

awan gemawan, bintang gemintang

bisikkan syair mayapada

membuka dimensi waktu

merasuki jiwa yang syahdu

senandungkan kembali melodi dahulu

aku hangus terbakar rindu

teruntuk wanita yang sedang dalam pelukan

ku harap pelukannya selalu menghangatkan batinmu

semoga bara di matamu berpijar terang membakar semua sedihmu

semoga ia mampu hapuskan segala pilu di hatimu

anganku pun melayang pergi

biar semua tetap menjadi mimpi

dan kelak rindu ini kan jadi satu



bisa apa manusia di hadapan cinta? apalagi kalau sudah soal pusat semesta, matahari doang sih lewat... hadeuh, sampe bahasanya pun jadi ababil lagih...

Bramantyo Adi Nugroho

ikhtiar dan tawakal

a mere stardust in the milky way

Mereka bilang Matahari tak kenal lelah menyinari
Nyatanya ia pergi saat Malam menghampiri
Mereka bilang hidup ini harus berdasarkan logika
Nyatanya ia pergi saat cinta merasuki
Mereka bilang waktu tak bisa terulang kembali
Nyatanya waktuku membeku di satu masa
Mereka bilang cinta itu semu
Nyatanya darinya aku temukan pusat alam semesta

Aku hanyalah Bumi
Aku hanya bisa menghidupi
Aku tak bisa pergi
Di tempatmu aku hanya bisa mati
Tapi bukankah pada akhirnya semua akan mati?
Bahkan aku yang hanya bisa menghidupi

Seperti manusia hanya seonggok daging di hadapan gagahnya gunung
Aku pun hanya setitik debu di alam semesta
Seperti aku tak memilih untuk bisa menghidupi
Kau pun tak tahu bahwa gravitasimu yang membuatku berputar
Biar saja langit menghardikku
Jiwa ini akan selalu merindu

What lies inside the core of the milky way? Blackholes, lot of blackholes. That is just the amount of gravity needed to keep the universe in tact. Who would think that such a dangerous matter would keep us alive all these times? Alloh is giving us a lesson there, too bad my brain is too small. Maybe it’s not happiness that keep us moving, maybe it’s those pain and sorrow we gone through along the way. Maybe life is about getting up and start moving, maybe life is about being proud of our scars rather than cursing it, maybe it’s those bad experience that keep us alive all along, then again, we’ll never appreciate the good if we don’t know what it is being bad.

Many has changed, many more has perished, but the center of the universe will always be there standing still not realizing that she kept us alive all these times. And that is where she belong, at the center of my universe. Should I be here now if she did not freed me from my own prison, god only knows, for all I know that her grace is what kept me alive rather than surviving.

Forever Thankful

Bramantyo Adi Nugroho

a man alive
a man with big dreams

 

do I look like a man with a plan?

When life gives you a lemon, make it a lemonade

But in fact, no, life gives you shit and a bunch of nuts you can’t even eat. Everyone would react differently, some would waste their life cursing at god, some would waste their life finding out what good would this shit gives you, and some would waste their life eating them anyway, no matter what you choose, whatever you would do, you waste your life anyway. Life, what does it means really, as days go by you walk on living, wasting every cells, every atom, every seconds that were given to you, we waste ourselves everyday, and for what? What are we wasting us for? We waste our time chasing career, the friends and families we left out would think, what a waste, we waste our time on our children, many more would say, what a waste, we waste our time on religion, what a waste, we waste our time wasting away travelling, what a waste. But then again, life is meant to be wasted, we don’t grow older, we grow riper, until sometimes in life, we’re just gone, back to where we belong, we were given a limited time, what would we waste it for?

There is this girl, this pretty little girl (does pretty is the right word?), she’s been there for as long as I could remember, how could I forget her anyway, she was the first girl I ever talked to, I wasted my first 12 years without connecting to any woman but my mother, but I shit you not, I talked to her like actually talking without a bit of awkwardness, she saved my whole adolesence. I wasted my first phase of adolesence chasing a fantasy I could never reach, well I admit I was just a tiny little shit back then, a silly little brat who fell in love for the first time. How could a brat who can’t even talk to girls without a pinch of awkwardness be dreaming about a girl? Details, I always hated details, my biggest sarcasm was always inspired by Heath Ledger’s Joker, “do I look like a man with a plan?”, yes I do, I am a fucking planner, I planned every single phase of my life, junior, high school, college, career, marriage, kids, senior time, I even planned my death, too bad death in the warmness of the one whose always been there while everyone is anxiously waiting outside and crumbled down completely when they hear the news and decided to make a whole street be honored by my name is quite unreallistic (for now). But that is not details, I never planned of how many times I would get broken hearted, I never planned of how many times I can get up and fight, I never planned of how many times do I find the right one, and I never planned I would find the one that fast, maybe things would be all different should I meet her now, but who am I to beat the masterplan of the almighty?

I wasted my school time just staring at her grace, her pointy nose, her perfectly structured cheeks, her tiny beauty spot on her left cheek, her bright eyes, so bright that I would stab anyone just to keep it for me, and the funny thing about adolesence is she never know all of this, how I admire her beauty, her boyish style, her loud laugh, how I would do anything to keep her happy, and I did, I lent her all my comic books (the only connection I had with her), I tell her all my answers in exam, I make sure that she already left for home before I go home, but still the best thing I could do was to stare at her from afar. Thank god I had her, I can always count at her, I always thought of how my life would be without her being there, and each of them went bad, god sent her to me to make it right for me, she was my best friend, my first ever girl friend, how I remember of those silly texts I sent to her everyday, “she was this, she was that, I did this and that…”, and how I remember she texted me back with the best tips I could ever get from anyone, funny thing is, I never did what she told me, I don’t even remember what was the substance of our texts, all I remember was her, always being there for me, maybe all I really needed was to text her, not to get my dream girl.

There was a time when our casual chat in class made one of my friend jealous, yea, he admired her, he hated me for a while, but hell, I don’t even know what I did, he explained “ga mungkin cuma temen, ngobrol aja jarak mukanya cuma segini (with both hands almost touched)”, that conversation just made a whole definition of adolesence, wasn’t it? But really that was never the case, my mind was always been captivated by an angel, while her’s, I didn’t really know, how selfish I was, not caring for anything but my own desire. But anyway, we kind of lose contact at 9^th grade, not only by the fact that we’re in different class, but also because she had a boyfriend, and I was focusing in my band and my stupid bass that is better than my skill. I still tried to chase my angel right until the end, no success, surprise.. such is life, waste it wrong, you got nothing back.

They said first love struck you fast and would last for a lifetime, I see nothing wrong with that, but how could that be right either? How can a crush that happens for the first time in your life be called love when we barely even know her? Was it because somehow you can remember every detail of her perfectly? Was it because the experience blew your mind, that the gender you always despise of is somewhat beautiful and you need them so much? I think it’s because of the purity, how we are actually capable of loving someone without tainting them, how we are capable of caring for someone without hoping anything back, god created first love to constantly reminds us what love is, and how it should be, and yes, I always kept mine dearly in the corner of my heart, not necessarily because I want her still now (well, if there’s chance I would grab it), but it’s the memento of what I’m capable of, a reminder of how to be fully human.

Time passed, opportunities wasted, and there was I, just staring at her blankly, I fully understood what she means, I know exactly what’s going on, I know exactly what she was thinking, it’s the skill I picked up along the way, she knows me well, I know her well too. It just happened, yea, there is no better explanation than, it’s just happened, it was a sudden realization, what else would I’m looking for, I’ve always like her for her personalities, but then I fell in love with her family and the way she view them and keep them, I just know she would complete me, it was completely logical, it lacks the drama, but the idea itself is beautiful, it was the first time in my life ever that my logic get along with my feeling, it’s not like a burst of hormone like I used to feel, it’s the ultimate balance I’ve been looking for, enlightened, I feel at peace whenever I’m with her. But I don’t know, future seems to scare every girl I met, while I offer future, I can never beat the ghost from the past, while I failed to get what I dreamt of, doesn’t mean I should make other’s fail too, if my shattered dreams would make her dreams come true, then so be it, she doesn’t have to understand what she means to me, she might not even realize how big her impact in my early life, but I feel like I should pay my fairshare, it is my turn to support her in every way I could, I don’t even know what to do yet though, I might snap out in some nasty way, but I should remind myself constantly that I’m the coolest when I’m in control. Even if the past should defeat the future, I shall live on in the present, I know what I want to do, and I know what I should do, “do I look like a man with a plan?”, yes, it’s my turn now to take all her shits, it took 10 years to make me realize what I’ve been looking for, a couple years more must be nothing, I know and I’m sure I will, I dedicate my life to support her dreams.

What a waste.

Bramantyo Adi Nugroho

a best friend

a lover

metamorphosis

 What does 2013 means to you? Buat saya 2013 adalah turning point dalam hidup saya, tahun roller coaster, tahun perjuangan, tahun metamorfosis, entah apa istilah yang tepat, tapi pil pahit di 2013 akan sangat berharga untuk saya menjadi manusia yang hakiki.

2013 saya dimulai dengan mendapat pekerjaan di tempat dengan imbalan yang baik, lebih lagi dengan job desc yang sesuai dengan kompetensi saya, waktu itu juga ramai diperbincangkan bahwa pak Basuki (Ahok) meminta secara langsung 100 lulusan PBB STAN untuk ditempatkan Dinas Pelayanan Pajak DKI Jakarta. Menyenangkan rasanya bisa memberi ibuk uang untuk pertama kalinya, sepele, tapi bagi fresh graduate seperti saya ada kebanggaan tersendiri untuk bisa melepas subsidi dari orang tua.

Bila diingat sekarang, betapa naifnya saya dulu untuk melepas semua itu dengan congkaknya hanya karena “yakin ditempatkan di DPP DKI jakarta”, saya begitu terburu-buru dan berpikir bahwa saya tidak punya waktu lagi untuk merasakan liburan, walau terbukti saya salah (karena liburannya ternyata super panjang). Saya memutuskan untuk berhenti dari UPPD Jagakarsa dan bertualang keliling Jawa Timur, Java Trip part 2, membuang semua ikatan duniawi untuk mendekatkan diri pada alam.

Melelahkan dan sangat menyenangkan, backpacking selalu membawa saya pada kemanusiaan saya dan menguatkan karakter saya. Hal favorit saya dalam berkelana sendirian adalah keheningan sepanjang perjalanan (walau bapak-bapak di sebelah selalu cerewet bertanya ini itu), mengamati penumpang lain, mendengarkan diskusi para penumpang, rasanya syahdu sekali, ada yang mengeluhkan hidupnya, ada yang membanggakan anaknya, ada juga yang menceritakan kisah perjuangannya di zaman penjajahan, semua ilmu baru untuk media bersyukur.

Di Jawa Timur saya berkelana ke Malang, Jember, Bondowoso, dan terakhir ke Bromo melalui Probolinggo. Pada dasarnya saya ingin mendaki Semeru dan Kawah Ijen, tapi naas kedua gunung tersebut sedang ditutup karena curah hujan sedang tinggi, mungkin Alloh juga tahu kalau mental saya belum cukup kuat saat itu. Setelah Java Trip, saya melancong ke pulau seberang, ke pulau yang tanahnya berkilauan bak intan permata, Kalimantan, pulau dengan potensi permata yang luar biasa. Let pictures describe my journey to find myself. :)

piknik disek nang Goa Cino

kebun teh Wonosari

sekarang foto di kebun orang dulu, nanti di kebun sendiri

new friends at Jember

senja di Papuma

di pantai Papuma

bakar api unggun di rumah yusron

Bosamba rafting

rafting di Bosamba Bondowoso

daym

Keliling padang pasir

Bromo Tengger

meet my Malang guides, thanks bros! :)

Mandorin pasar terapung

Rumah adat Banjar

Pasar terapung Lok Baintan

Surga tersembunyi di selatan Kab.Malang

Saya pulang sebagai orang baru, jiwa saya telah dicharge penuh, tapi saya lupa saya punya PR besar, saya tidak punya pekerjaan, tapi bagi saya dan keluarga hal itu tidak terlalu menjadi masalah, karena memang saya sebagai lulusan STAN akan segera ditempatkan di Kementerian Keuangan, tapi kita tidak pernah bisa memprediksi hidup, ternyata orang yang saya kira paling mengerti saya justru tidak bisa menerima kondisi saya saat itu, saya pun enggan menyadarinya karena memang saya ingin berlibur sebelum sepanjang usia mengabdi untuk negara.

My significant other, my other half, my sun, entah kalimat gombal apalagi yang saya gunakan untuk mendeskripsikannya, perjalanan 4 tahun kami bersama serasa menjadi sia-sia belaka. Kala itu dia bekerja di BPN dengan gaji yang lumayan besar untuk ukuran fresh graduate, sedangkan saya pengangguran menanti penempatan, kala itu seperti petir di siang bolong, Alloh dengan segala kuasanya menunjukkan siapa dia yang sebenarnya, bagaikan film, satu per satu saya temukan fakta-fakta mencengangkan yang tak perlu diulas disini, saat ini saya hanya bisa berdoa untuk kebahagiaannya dengan lelaki yang ia pilih, ketahuilah bahwa uang, minuman keras, dan lantai dansa hanyalah seperti kembang api, meledak indah di awal lalu lenyap tanpa bekas.

Saya tidak akan memungkiri bahwa saya pun bebarapa kali melakukannya, dan mungkin saja saya terlihat senang melakukannya, tapi memang sudah karakter saya untuk menikmati apa yang hidup ini berikan, senyum saya akan tetap menghiasi perjalanan saya, tapi bila hidup ini digunakan hanya untuk mencari hal-hal demikian, rasanya hidup ini turun derajat dari hambar menjadi tak berarti. Saat itu saya belum bisa memetik hikmah apapun dari kejadian tersebut, saya terpukul, saya bahkan menyalahkan Alloh karena mengecewakan saya (padahal sendirinya juga sering ngecewain Alloh), tapi hidup harus tetap berjalan, walau dengan kesedihan, sendirian, di rumah, miris sekali waktu itu, teman-teman saya sedang sibuk-sibuknya skripsi, magang, ataupun bekerja, tapi sekali lagi, hidup harus tetap berjalan.

Momen itu bertepatan dengan TKD yang harus saya jalani sebagai persyaratan penempatan saya, berjuang demi mencapai sesuatu, sendirian, ternyata lebih sulit dari yang saya bayangkan, kalau diingat kembali dia yang dulu selalu mendukung saya saat belajar untuk persiapan SNMPTN dan USM STAN, dia dulu sering mengingatkan saya untuk belajar, bahkan waktu kencan kami digunakan untuk belajar, sekarang rasanya seperti berjalan tanpa arah, berjuang untuk diri sendiri itu tidak menarik, tidak ada motivasi, tapi hidup harus tetap berjalan.

Ada alasan tersendiri kenapa saya begitu merasa kehilangan saat itu, karena sepanjang hidup saya terbiasa diremehkan orang lain, hanya dia saja yang memperlakukan saya sebagai orang hebat, saya pun merasa berarti (walau ternyata justru baru saya sadari kalau zona nyaman tersebut yang sedikit melemahkan saya), tapi sepanjang usia juga saya terbiasa mengejutkan orang lain dengan hasil akhir yang tak disangka-sangka, juara kelas, lolos SNMPTN di Hubungan Internasional Unibraw, dan lolos STAN adalah sebagian kecil kejutan yang saya berikan untuk mereka yang sering meremehkan saya. TKD kala itu pun menambah jumlah kejutan yang saya berikan, syukur Alhamdulillah, nilai saya membawa saya penempatan di Sekretariat Jenderal Kemenkeu, yang artinya kecil kemungkinan saya untuk ditempatkan di daerah (mungkin saya ditinggalkan juga karena dia takut saya bawa ke daerah, tapi ternyata sang takdir punya skenario lain).

Lebih luar biasa lagi saya ditempatkan di unit Eselon II Lembaga Pengelola Dana Pendidikan, tempat luar biasa yang tidak cukup untuk dideskripsikan dengan 1-2 alinea, yang pasti saya bekerja untuk mendidik calon-calon pemimpin masa depan, dan amanah ini adalah anugerah terbesar dari Alloh untuk saya di tahun 2013. Di LPDP saya bertemu dengan orang-orang yang mempunyai visi dan integritas, disini juga saya menemukan arti dari sebuah pengabdian, terlebih lagi cita-cita besar saya adalah membangun sebuah fondasi beasiswa untuk anak-anak kurang mampu, ditempatkan di LPDP terasa menjadi petunjuk dari Alloh bahwa mimpi saya lebih besar dari sekedar cinta tak berarah, LPDP adalah sajadah panjang saya untuk mengabdi dan mendekatkan diri pada Alloh, hidup harus terus berjalan, dan mimpi saya tak akan pernah padam.

“menang atau kalah, bila tak bisa kau petik hikmah di dalamnya, maka kau lah pecundangnya”

Saya menulis artikel ini karena saya pun baru menyadari hikmah dari tahun 2013 saya. Terlepas dari perlakuan saya terhadap wanita yang tidak boleh cuek lagi seperti dulu (berkat buku “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, recommended book, you should read it!), hikmah terbesar yang saya dapatkan adalah, timing dari Alloh jauh lebih baik dari timing yang diinginkan manusia manapun, seandainya saya ditempatkan di awal tahun, tentu saya tidak akan sempat berkelana mencari diri saya yang sampai sekarang belum sepenuhnya saya temukan (need to “run away” more!), bila saya ditempatkan di pertengahan tahun, tentu saya tidak akan sempat diperlihatkan keburukan dia yang pernah saya cinta, dan bisa jadi saya malah menikahi wanita yang salah dan menerima pil pahit di saat saya tidak bisa lari lagi, Subhanalloh, 1 Oktober 2013 adalah waktu penempatan yang paling sempurna untuk saya bisa lebih memahami hidup ini, perjuangan sebagai pengangguran, perjuangan bekerja di kantor dengan akses sulit, perjuangan mengobati luka hati, sungguh lebih cepat ataupun lebih lama dari tanggal itu mungkin akan menjadi jauh lebih sulit lagi bagi saya untuk tetap waras dan bijak menghadapi hidup ini. Dan artikel ini pun saya tutup dengan satu kesimpulan bahwa

“semua akan indah pada waktunya, Alloh maha mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk kita”

So, keep it together guys, jangan menyerah, jangan padamkan bara di hatimu, tidak ada yang sia-sia, ikhlas mengasah diri dan memperjuangkan nasib, bila kita sudah cukup pantas, Alloh tidak akan mengecewakan kita. Ciao :)

Bramantyo Adi Nugroho

Pelaksana Divisi Anggaran dan Akuntansi

Lembaga Pengelola Dana Pendidikan

Sabtu, 4 Januari 2014
diketik sambil mendengarkan "Something Beatiful - Robbie Williams"

new year, new hope, new fight

decided to start blogging, new year, new hope, new fight... :)
will mostly share my pursuit of happiness, if only true happiness comes from money, how easy it would be to better understand life, doesn't make any sense? we are all connected, none can live alone, we need plants at minimum to stay alive, being happy is to understand how blessed we are to be a part of this web of life, know that without you, there's something, somewhere is missing, you balance the world, to be happy is to bring yourself closer to your soul, the inner voice inside you that you denied, pursuit of happiness is a journey to bring yourself closer to the greater existence, to Alloh whom we belong.

money and fame makes you happy, but will you stay happy without them? being rich is not about having money so much that you wipe your ass with dollars, being rich is to not be tied with the material world, being happy is to be rich, being rich is the pathway to happiness, happiness is a state of mind, an open mind.

happy 2014 for all of us, never make a promise you can't keep, let's hope we understand ourself better, and each step we take is a step forward toward our dream, our greater purpose, and our happiness.