When life
gives you a lemon, make it a lemonade
But in
fact, no, life gives you shit and a bunch of nuts you can’t even eat. Everyone
would react differently, some would waste their life cursing at god, some would
waste their life finding out what good would this shit gives you, and some
would waste their life eating them anyway, no matter what you choose, whatever
you would do, you waste your life anyway. Life, what does it means really, as
days go by you walk on living, wasting every cells, every atom, every seconds
that were given to you, we waste ourselves everyday, and for what? What are we wasting
us for? We waste our time chasing career, the friends and families we left out
would think, what a waste, we waste
our time on our children, many more would say, what a waste, we waste our time on religion, what a waste, we waste our time wasting away travelling, what a waste. But then again, life is
meant to be wasted, we don’t grow older, we grow riper, until sometimes in
life, we’re just gone, back to where we belong, we were given a limited time,
what would we waste it for?
There is
this girl, this pretty little girl (does pretty is the right word?), she’s been
there for as long as I could remember, how could I forget her anyway, she was
the first girl I ever talked to, I wasted my first 12 years without connecting
to any woman but my mother, but I shit you not, I talked to her like actually
talking without a bit of awkwardness, she saved my whole adolesence. I wasted
my first phase of adolesence chasing a fantasy I could never reach, well I
admit I was just a tiny little shit back then, a silly little brat who fell in
love for the first time. How could a brat who can’t even talk to girls without
a pinch of awkwardness be dreaming about a girl? Details, I always hated
details, my biggest sarcasm was always inspired by Heath Ledger’s Joker, “do I look like a man with a plan?”, yes
I do, I am a fucking planner, I planned every single phase of my life, junior,
high school, college, career, marriage, kids, senior time, I even planned my
death, too bad death in the warmness of the one whose always been there while
everyone is anxiously waiting outside and crumbled down completely when they
hear the news and decided to make a whole street be honored by my name is quite
unreallistic (for now). But that is not details, I never planned of how many
times I would get broken hearted, I never planned of how many times I can get
up and fight, I never planned of how many times do I find the right one, and I
never planned I would find the one that fast, maybe things would be all
different should I meet her now, but who am I to beat the masterplan of the
almighty?
I wasted my
school time just staring at her grace, her pointy nose, her perfectly
structured cheeks, her tiny beauty spot on her left cheek, her bright eyes, so
bright that I would stab anyone just to keep it for me, and the funny thing
about adolesence is she never know all of this, how I admire her beauty, her
boyish style, her loud laugh, how I would do anything to keep her happy, and I
did, I lent her all my comic books (the only connection I had with her), I tell
her all my answers in exam, I make sure that she already left for home before I
go home, but still the best thing I could do was to stare at her from afar.
Thank god I had her, I can always count at her, I always thought of how my life
would be without her being there, and each of them went bad, god sent her to me
to make it right for me, she was my best friend, my first ever girl friend, how
I remember of those silly texts I sent to her everyday, “she was this, she was
that, I did this and that…”, and how I remember she texted me back with the
best tips I could ever get from anyone, funny thing is, I never did what she
told me, I don’t even remember what was the substance of our texts, all I
remember was her, always being there for me, maybe all I really needed was to
text her, not to get my dream girl.
There was a
time when our casual chat in class made one of my friend jealous, yea, he
admired her, he hated me for a while, but hell, I don’t even know what I did,
he explained “ga mungkin cuma temen, ngobrol aja jarak mukanya cuma segini
(with both hands almost touched)”, that conversation just made a whole
definition of adolesence, wasn’t it? But really that was never the case, my
mind was always been captivated by an angel, while her’s, I didn’t really know,
how selfish I was, not caring for anything but my own desire. But anyway, we
kind of lose contact at 9th grade, not only by the fact that we’re
in different class, but also because she had a boyfriend, and I was focusing in
my band and my stupid bass that is better than my skill. I still tried to chase
my angel right until the end, no success, surprise.. such is life, waste it
wrong, you got nothing back.
They said
first love struck you fast and would last for a lifetime, I see nothing wrong
with that, but how could that be right either? How can a crush that happens for
the first time in your life be called love when we barely even know her? Was it
because somehow you can remember every detail of her perfectly? Was it because the
experience blew your mind, that the gender you always despise of is somewhat
beautiful and you need them so much? I think it’s because of the purity, how we
are actually capable of loving someone without tainting them, how we are
capable of caring for someone without hoping anything back, god created first
love to constantly reminds us what love is, and how it should be, and yes, I
always kept mine dearly in the corner of my heart, not necessarily because I
want her still now (well, if there’s chance I would grab it), but it’s the
memento of what I’m capable of, a reminder of how to be fully human.
Time
passed, opportunities wasted, and there was I, just staring at her blankly, I
fully understood what she means, I know exactly what’s going on, I know exactly
what she was thinking, it’s the skill I picked up along the way, she knows me
well, I know her well too. It just happened, yea, there is no better
explanation than, it’s just happened, it was a sudden realization, what else
would I’m looking for, I’ve always like her for her personalities, but then I
fell in love with her family and the way she view them and keep them, I just
know she would complete me, it was completely logical, it lacks the drama, but
the idea itself is beautiful, it was the first time in my life ever that my
logic get along with my feeling, it’s not like a burst of hormone like I used
to feel, it’s the ultimate balance I’ve been looking for, enlightened, I feel at
peace whenever I’m with her. But I don’t know, future seems to scare every girl
I met, while I offer future, I can never beat the ghost from the past, while I
failed to get what I dreamt of, doesn’t mean I should make other’s fail too, if
my shattered dreams would make her dreams come true, then so be it, she doesn’t
have to understand what she means to me, she might not even realize how big her
impact in my early life, but I feel like I should pay my fairshare, it is my
turn to support her in every way I could, I don’t even know what to do yet
though, I might snap out in some nasty way, but I should remind myself
constantly that I’m the coolest when I’m in control. Even if the past should
defeat the future, I shall live on in the present, I know what I want to do,
and I know what I should do, “do I look
like a man with a plan?”, yes, it’s my turn now to take all her shits, it
took 10 years to make me realize what I’ve been looking for, a couple years
more must be nothing, I know and I’m sure I will, I dedicate my life to support
her dreams.
What a waste.
Bramantyo Adi Nugroho
a best friend
a lover
